my contiki trip

Okay, lets talk holidays. I've just done a Contiki, and it was excellent. Including every second in great detail seems like hard work, so I'll give you the abridged version, jumping right into the first day because the meetup beforehand was mostly paperwork. However that night I did get to meet a giant Australian policeman with eyelashes that naturally looked like they had makeup on despite him never applying it ( like the guy from lost*) that comparison is really rammed home by the fact that he's Australian and called Lach (pronounced lock.) He had friends with him as well, specifically a tall Australian with a swimmer's body, and a petite south African girl who seemed docile at the first night but really came into her element when she got to know everyone. Other people who made the trip so Iconic include my tour guide Susie, the bus driver/party master Dave, a big black guy with a southern accent who I learned was an emergency response nurse when not getting absolutely plastered, and an Australian girl who resembled a younger, less manic Harley Quinn. I also really like the origin story of the brand, the whole "he had a mini bus and lied" thing, I wonder if its real.  

*http://lostpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Richard_Alpert 

After the never ending bus journey and the ferry across to Europe, We arrived in Amsterdam where we were lead into a hostel that looked like a location in resident evil. It was a narrow path that never seemed to end filled with doors that jutted out and hollow pillars dotted around, our room was particularly poor as it smelt faintly of sweat, but we weren't in there long enough to complain. Then Susie mentioned it … we were seeing a sex show. The playlist should have given it away. 

This was exactly what it sounded like, I thought I'd misheard here, maybe it was a joke about how New Zealanders can't pronounce their "I"s and we were going to a show at six. Nope. Full sex show. The theatre itself was in the red light district and it seemed rather normal … for a sex theatre. Nothing incriminating to the untrained eye until the curtains opened, that night I learned that A) a cigar is NEVER just a cigar … it was usually being smoked through the wrong hole, B) pole dancers who don’t smile aren't dusky, they are depressing, C) the one actually good poledancer was probably a superhero/spy in her former life in order to get her strength and finally D) the one real couple performing was obviously having a better time than the others, I actually "aaahhhh"-ed them like they high school sweethearts at a dance because they kissed before having what looked like healthy – if not energetic - sex.  

Amsterdam was a paradox to me, because the alleys looked quaint and the people looked peaceful, yet the quaint cottages were filled with weed smoke. There were little café's you'd take your grandmother to lunch in next to women staring disinterestedly in sexy clothing at the masses. They didn’t dance or flirt like I was expecting them to, one of them was texting, just casually checking her phone whilst standing in the "wonder woman" hands on hips pose in a demi-lovato-style piece of sex wear. I danced afterwards in the recommended nightclub, mingled, and my problems began to melt away. I also discovered that if I play up my naivety - not lying exactly just advertising the newness of the situation – then the more seasoned party-ers would buy me drinks, and although I rejected them at first, I surrendered after a while. It also dawned on me when exploring a coffee shop that it smelt distinctly like an old friend of mine who I had assumed just had bad Body odour.  

The next morning we went to a clog and cheesemaking shop. The woman making the cheese despite being dressed in traditional gear and being an older woman, was hilarious, and the man who demonstrated clogmaking was both very charming, witty, and cooler than me. I'm not kidding when I say that I want charisma to that level, I want to be able to make wooden shoes seem tempting, even for a second. We went for a quaint bike ride with dutch "granny bikes" that require you to back-peddle in order to stop. 

That night we went to a couple of nightclubs. The first of which was very tiny and made me feel uncomfortable, it was grungy in a way that made me think more of abandoned buildings than of anywhere safe. The second bar however made up for it completely. It was a bar that specialised in weird and wonderful shots. I had a caramel shot that was lit on fire by blowtorch, as well as an oreo one. The most interesting of the shots however was the headbanger, which consisted of the trendy bartender pouring spirits straight into the customer's mouth whilst they rested their head on a pillow on the bar, then with a spec of Tabasco sauce he would close the mouth of the drinker and shake their heads like a cocktail shaker, with the same intensity as you would making a drink. I opted out of that drink, however I might look up a DIY version with less Tabasco. 

Berlin was also interesting, the city being entranced with art varying from the magnificent to the mediocre depending on where you look. Ugly buildings sprouted around, industrial things hiding surprisingly modern things inside them. The hostel itself was magnificent, with a swanky bar inside and air conditioning in the bedrooms. Inside the bar one of my friends bought a jug of beer, the next one bought a boot. When I say a boot, I'm talking literally a wellington made of glass in which two pints (I think, maybe more) sat quietly. This eventually became a pissing contest and the nurse (Darrian) fully took the challenge. There was a Quatre of the jug left full of beer, and he managed to finish it off in a smug 2 and a half minutes with the goal being four.  

After seeing the berlin wall I committed to an early night, knowing that the jagerbomb life wasn’t sustainable for the full week. I indulged in a warm, unrushed, uninterrupted shower that had escaped me in Amsterdam and settled after a few YouTube videos to a night of sleep before going to bed before midnight. However the best laid plans of mice and men often go aglae, and the way they went so wrong was in the form one one of my room mates, will, who thought an entire jug of long island iced tea would be a good life choice. I heard retching, followed by the light switching on, and my other room mate encouraging will to take a shower and lay on his side in the most Australian way possible, with heavily affectionate use of the C word. 

The next night was equally interesting, with a night of light clubbing within a sweaty sestpool of tourists – which was to be expected considering the distance from the club to the hostel … literally over the road. Anyway after a few shots, a bit of dancing in/around a cage, and rocking out to various songs I called it a night, passing out in stale clothing for the night … until we had a visitor at four in the morning. There was a knock at the door and a woman stood there, short, brown, with big hair and a grin that was meant to convey a good mood but seemed to resemble an animal baring its fangs. She was dropping off a room mate who had drank enough to need assistance, and after she arrived she perched the spare bunk and started chatting with the guys. The topics varied dramatically, but seemed to revolve around our various dating preferences (e.g. ever been with a foreigner? , white dudes don’t have enough lip for me, do you shave downstairs? Etc) for multiple hours. It ended with her giving me a pep talk about how I should just ask out one of the girls I'd been flirting with and that her new goal was to get me laid, which is not what I expected to hear at 4AM. We decided to have a quick power nap before catching up on the coach. 

We also pre-drinked in a bar that the tour guide – a british woman – had described as having "panic at the disco vibes" … she was not wrong. It was like a set, like circa 2009 Brendon Urie had designed a bar purely for the sake of the eerie red carnival pirate aesthetic.  

Prague was generally uneventful except for a small blip, in which we were almost arrested for not having lights on our tour bikes. As in the prague police had so little crime to deal with that bike lights were an arrestable offense … it was so petty and we were let off with a warning. 

We had a traditional night consisting of too much activity, yet more pork and dumplings – which had been a staple of berlin as well – and ridiculous traditional dancing in ridiculous traditional clothing. I did however swear to myself that I will find something that makes me as sincerely happy as the man dancing was. His eyes seemed to glow like torchlight and his grin was 100% natural, but I was falling asleep. It wasn’t the dancing itself, it was the congregation of the late nights, the early mornings, the exhausting energy of the room, and the table I was on. I fell asleep on the spot yet in some stupid state decided I could go another night. Luckily for me Imogen, a friend from the trip, talked me away from such as idiotic idea. I did however, miss the large group of people, I decided to wing it and try to walk back, which failed spectacularly. I was in a strange city alone, but I was near a landmark hotel, so I logged into uber on their wifi and hired a dirt cheap taxi (£5! I didn’t know £5 taxis existed) to take me home. The cab had great music, lana del rei and Linkin Park – it was my first run in with their music, but I had heard about the singer dying recently – the music was surprisingly good. 

We stopped off at a building filled with bones en route to Vienna, it was dramatic and furnished with nothing but human parts. There was a skeleton chandelier and a mound of skulls, I was expecting it to be more unnerving, but I guess we've seen skeletons since Scooby Doo, the earliest kind of corpse we see. It took most of my control not to make the most of the atmosphere and do a full on evil laugh in the centre of the room, a full on classic "MAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" featuring head shaking and hand gestures.  

Vienna was the final location for me and a small group of others. Unfortunately for us the lucky sods on the bus were doing a 25 day tour of Europe, meaning that they were going to get the full package whilst I will be bored at home cyberstalking them and getting severe FOMO. Luckily for me, we were going somewhere without alcohol, so I wouldn’t need to nurse a hangover in the airport. We were going to a 24 hour theme park! 

Luckily for me all the people who were travelling with me weren't adrenaline junkies, meaning that I wasn’t about to be coerced onto anything that was above my paygrade. We hunted for candy floss (which the knock off Harley Quinn referred to as "fairy floss") and I was convinced onto a set of high swings by a girl called Taylor, Lach and Alex tagged along in another swing for the experience, with Lach being genuinely unnerved despite being a police cop. The swing was both the best and the worst at the same time, it rose slowly and gradually, no extreme speed, but the feeling that I was going to drop something and have it plummet to the ground kept gathering constantly. I felt like my phone was going to slip from my pocket despite it being in taylor's handbag the whole time, I hummed to myself and focussed on starring forward and on the pretty lights that illuminated the arcade in bright, hot, carnival colours. This was followed by one more drink at the bar with a gaggle of friends from the coach, who chatted until midnight and then went to bed for an uneventful sleep.  

The airplane home was smooth, and I was picked up by my uncle, who saved me from yet more grim public transport. The strangest thing about the trip was how quickly my problems melted away, either the thoughts vanished, or I didn’t care enough anymore. My brain was free from the traffic that usually clogged it up, it was so freeing. I want that kind of calm in the real life. 

March Favourites

Over the last few weeks I haven’t gathered any particular anecdotes, but I have come across some badass stuff, so I thought I’d do another favourites post. So without further ado, let’s get into it.

What I’m currently watching

Recently I’ve been watching Lucifer, which is so good. It’s about the devil going on holiday to LA, after one of his favourite celebs gets shot, he ends up solving crime with Detective Decker, one of the few people who doesn’t find him irresistible. I love the thought that goes into Lucifer’s plot and his character growth, It’s also concerning how much you begin to relate to his character, I’m used to Tom Ellis in the show “Miranda” so seeing him play a sexy dusky character took a bit of getting used to, but he pulls of the balancing act of charming and just arrogant enough to make his character plausible. It reminds me of the show Izombie, just far-fetched enough to be fun with enough serious topics to keep it from becoming bland. All the characters have great chemistry and there is not a single song on the soundtrack that I didn’t like. I’m just desperate to see S2 since I saw the clip with his exes.

A more scandalous show I’ve watched lately is Penny dreadful, which is written to modernise the cheap fiction books written in the Victorian era to fill their time before the invention of the TV (e.g. Frankenstein, Dorium Grey etc.) It’s a very good show, one of few that could shake my Angel withdrawal symptoms. But be warned, it spares no expense when it comes to violence and sex, with Billie Piper’s terrible fake Irish accent almost justified by her frivolous scenes with the male cast. My only issue is that all the characters talk in poetry, no one ever states things clearly ever.

I caught the second season of Crazy ex-girlfriend, a musical by Rachel Bloom about her exploits in West Covina California. This show is as hilarious as it is heart-breaking, with catchy songs that are on the brink of parody. All the characters have very clear flaws and often challenge each other in it, with details down to the arcs of side characters and the reasons for their various dispositions explained. It’s like an intellectual take on all the famous rom com tropes, making you just want her to be happy regardless of her love interests.

I am currently being drip fed episodes of The Magicians Season 2, which also plays on tropes. Its set in a magical university in America called Brakebills, where Quentin confronts dark magicians, schooling shenanigans, and his own mental health alongside his team (who are all excellent.) Its great because it plays off the genre using knock offs of Hogwarts and Narnia as well as confronting bigger issues. It’s witty, smart, and much darker than it really should be. I also have a bit of a man-crush on Eliot, he’s just the best.

Finally I’ve watched a lot of Zannah (NotJustBlonde) ‘s vlogs recently as well, her covers are to die for, she’s very bright, and her personality keeps you coming back for more, which is the triple threat of the youtube world. I just wish younger youtubers could continue making content because they seem to be on hiatus (exam season I guess) and they genuinely make my week.

What I’m listening to

Besides the best bits of the Lucifer soundtrack (on repeat, fourteen times a day at least,) I am listening to “My Dad Wrote a Porno” which I found via Hannah Witton’s favourites video. It’s about a young man and his friends reading his father’s erotic fiction “Belinda Blinked” and making fun of it as they go. It’s as hilarious as it is cringey, making me cackle in public over a dozen times in the week and spill my hot chocolate across my jacket at least twice. It’s very rude, crude, and misconstrued, with descriptions as graphic as they are physically impossible. My favourite line so far – bearing in mind this is taken from the ACTUAL BOOK has to be “her nipples were like the 3 inch rivets used to hold the faithful Titanic together.”

Miscellaneous bits

Finally there are my new Timbs, which I’m still trying to break in. I have never tried on new shoes to find them quite as comfortable as these ones are. The customer service was remarkable and the woman serving us seemed to actually care about comfort. They fit well and they feel like I’m walking on the foam flooring Jump used to have in their facilities when I was a kid. I chose the sensorflex because I’d rather not have to put on heavy duty boots every time I do something, and they came with a 2 year warrantee just in case of emergencies. 

Why steam games are the new dime store novels?

Recently I’ve developed a fascination with old pulp fiction books, not just because of the hilariously exaggerated covers and the ridiculous storylines, but also how their cost made them available to everyone. Don’t get me wrong, the majority of them were written to entertain people in an era before TV and weren’t designed to stand the test of time, but without them we wouldn’t have such excellent writing as Tarzan, and the HP Lovecraft collection. At their core, dime store novels were designed to be short and exciting, using the cheap wood pulp to make affordable books and provide a boom in the creative industries of the era. However despite the rise and fall of the pulp literature industry I believe there is still a market for this kind of fiction. Short, snappy stories for the times when we don’t want to invest a month into binging our favourites, and just like everything else in this world, the future of this industry is online.

My current favourite source of excellent short content is the internet, with Titles such as “Black Mirror,” and “Stranger things” proving that exciting short narratives still have a place in the world after the rise of the 24 episode mega-series. These pieces of media can provide both a quick shot of entertainment and an intelligent conversation afterwards, and for every Black mirror that took off there are three lesser known series hidden in the back of the internet waiting for you to discover. Unfortunately shorter projects from streaming services like Netflix are few and far between, with the majority of popular shows such as Game of Thrones and orange is the new black spanning over 24 episodes per season.

Luckily in the race to make quick and affordable independent media, there is someone better than any other industry. I am of course talking about Steam games. Indie games on the platform “Steam” are infamous for being a wild west of variation, from games that sparked a new genre into the world such as Five nights at Freddy’s and the Stanley Parable, to games that make you question why people would spend hours of their life developing such tripe (*cough cough* goat simulator *cough cough.) The ability for anyone to post encourages a Youtube-like community and its anonymity allows for the media to be judged blind causing a true variety of available content ranging from the excellent to the downright weird depending on what you look for. The interesting thing is that these titles are becoming household names, with FNAF receiving 4694 downloads a day in 2015 and its creator Scott Cawthorn giving $249,999 to charity from fundraising via a charity livestream. Similarly the Stanley parable sold over 100k of individual downloads in the first three days.

So what can we all take from this? If you’re a budding writer and you don’t want to go down the route of getting a whole series made from scratch or carving a bestselling novel that could take years to create and much longer to refine, there are still plenty of options for short, quick, exciting content, you just need to know where to look, and if you’re a company looking for some fresh ideas, then maybe in a world filled with the media equivalent of a long term relationship, give the audience a one night stand.

Things that actually rocked in 2016

There is something about January that makes me feel like writing a listicle. Maybe it’s because after Christmas I have lots of cash and very little self-control left, or maybe it’s because it feels more productive than the 100s of things I’m meant to be doing. I’ll try to stick with things I haven’t referenced on this channel before because I don’t want to devote this page to buffy (at this point my love of the show is borderline cultish) and I can’t guarantee that everything I include on this list is modern, but they helped me get through a year of Trump, Celeb deaths, and killer clowns.

First up – what I’m reading

I am currently halfway through the first “Wicked and the Divine” graphic novel. A sharp story about gods running around as celebrities with a two year lifespan. It’s fantastic, with enough modernity to be fun without feeling like its shoehorned in (looking at you “batgirl”!) It’s also wonderfully British without resorting to Sherlock holmes-esque references to it. 

Finally I love the aesthetic, and it makes sense that gods would be worshipped as celebrities, with what can only be described as the best hair – there are so many colour streaks in this series. Luci being my favourite character so far, I just love the idea of the devil’s reincarnation being a powersuited queer woman with “David Bowie” hair, even if the comparison still stung a little since this time last year.

Edit: nope. My favourite character is definitely inanna now, Hands down!

I also delved into Constantine recently, which is excellent, it’s about a slightly scouse, bisexual, Alcoholic, dark magician sorting out people’s supernatural problems. I read my copy of “Constantine: the Hellblazer vol 1” and he’s just rugged enough and charming enough for his character to work. His sexuality is also a working part of the story without being a major plot point (looking at you Young Avengers) or seen as a big deal like so many other shows.

My first Constantine ever was a dark one, so this was a nice way to get the bitter taste of his more serious books out of my system. I really like the idea that he goes off on adventures surrounded by the ghosts of his close friends purely to torment him and my favourite part is the house calls he makes, solving monster attacks like they are mere inconveniences, talking about them in a tone that an average person would talk about a broken washing machine.

Final book:

A proper book this time. It’s Kendall Kulper’s “The Magic Thief.” This series follows a young orphan who is immune to magic. Because of this trait he is an outcast of the magic society and considered dangerous. If I’m honest the book started a little slow for me, but in fairness I had watched nothing but high paced 90s Wheadon that month. However I kept with it and found it to be both very witty and quite insightful. The magic world she made is very stylised and exact, with great details like which countries specialise in which styles of magic. This book came to me at a time when I needed it and it was like it flickered a switch in my brain.

What I’m currently watching

The Buffy spinoff show Angel has been big on my radar this year, with drama varying from Darla and Wolfram and Hart to the end of the world and the return of Angelus. This show, just like its little sister, mixes big questions and real world issues with light hearted goofiness and crazy monsters. It also sparked my love of the show when everyone’s favourite rogue slayer, Faith returned to the light to fight a bigger problem. Honestly reformed Faith is my favourite, because she’s grown and less reckless without losing her spark. Out of all the characters in the whole show, I want to be Faith the most, even despite the fact that A) I am a dude and B) Anya is much closer to my spirit animal than Faith. As you can tell i haven't managed to break free from my addiction yet.

The one thing that almost thawed me from being frozen in the 90's with my favourite show is Community. Which has all the goofiness required to fill the gap. it’s about a community college called Greendale that does everything accept a functioning lesson. I was first introduced to it when Mike Regnetta talked about its link to Postmodernism, which is covered within my sociology course. 3 seasons later it became my favourite show. However its humour being either bang on hilarious or miles away, but this tends to be the pattern with American humour. It’s also so quotable, there is literally a set of quotes for everyone regardless of personality or situation.

Finally gravity Falls ended this year, which is a little sad but I believe they ended it at a good place. This show is about two twins who move to their great uncle’s for the summer and find weird and wacky hijinks going on. This show has a diverse range of role models including two polar opposite twins, a plethora of adult jokes and more than enough mysteries hidden within through the story to make it comparable to franchises like “Lost” and “Welcome To Nightvale”

It’s occurring to me that I have a niche, urban supernatural/fantasy fiction

What I’m listening to

First off I would like to thank the universe for podcasts. These are the only reason I have survived this long on public transport. Grace Helbig’s “not too deep” has forced me to stifle laughter in public transport and Dear Hank and John has provided me with a more stripped back version of everyone’s favourite Youtube sibling duo. DHAJ has less restrictions than the ones associated with the brand that is the Vlogbrothers, allowing them to swear, ramble and discuss topics ranging from bull semen to Alvin and the Chipmunks. Finally Lore is a godsend, with winter happening the narrator’s eerie stories make walking home in the dark so much more thrilling.

I also listened to lots of Lorde and Marina and the Diamonds this year, I know it makes me a cliché moody teenager but I can’t help it. They both sing about a range of topics such as coming home after the fame of being a celebrity and finding all your friends treat you differently, getting revenge on an ex, and the stresses of body image issues on young women. They contrast each other quite well with Lorde being slow and gravelly and Marina being known for the fast high notes.

Finally what started up as one look at the soundtrack of the video game Bioshock opened the floodgates to vintage sounding music. I have a guilty pleasure about older style music, my love of both Brendon Urie’s “death of a bachelor” and my longstanding love affair with singer Caro Emerald and her tunes became the pillars of what became for a short while a weird combination. My phone has become clogged up with music varying from vintage 50's style Taylor Swift covers to 80's power ballads, one to calm me down and the other to hype me up, depending on the situation.

Miscellaneous bits

This year I got into ginger beer. What started off as a quick drink one day after work snowballed until I received a giant tray of the stuff from my grandparents for Christmas! It tastes better than cider and is my go to drink of choice now, but I fear if I consume any more I will become a member of the famous five. I think my blood is now a 3^rd sweeter because of it.

I also returned to portal this December. Can we talk about how witty Glados is? She is awesome and so much better after her morality chip got burned. The whole game is riddled with Easter eggs about what the building once was, mind bending puzzles and awesome science that I want in real life. Like seriously I need one of those portal guns, and at least one gallon of the weird orange/blue paint in my day to day life, just for my commute if nothing else.

Speaking of Portal, I just received a Portal themed candle from a company called Boonzy Art. It smells like delicious cake, the kind Appature science failed to deliver in the first game. Its packaging even goes as far as to read like the science posters on the wall of the labs. The box had a stamp on it which is always a win and it’s a decent size. I just wish shipping from America didn’t cost me selling my firstborn to Satan.

Finally lush fun, its like playdoh except its bodywash! I use it in a very utilitarian way, making tiny cubes out of it. It can be used as shampoo, body wash and a bath product. It leaves coloured soap streaks on your body making me feel a tiny bit closer to warpaint and the profits go to charity. However,be warned, it melts when exposed to steam so maybe storing it in thebathroom isnt the wisest choice.

So thats my year in things, lets hope there are more awesome things in 2017. 

that time I failed at parkour (freerunning?)

I don’t know exactly what was going through my mind when it happened, but somehow a combination of too much buffy

, a day off and the first dose of boredom in a long time manifested as me taking a parkour session on a Tuesday evening. I guess I thought: if it goes wrong it’s an anecdote, if it’s good it’s an adventure, besides I’d seen vloggers on youtube do it so how hard could it be.

I rocked up in town and walked from the station to the parkour building, which was a bit of a trek but I’d done the route before to go to both the climbing place and the trampoline place nearby. However I’d miscalculated the time, going way too early for the happy hour session. Naturally I wandered the shops for the hours I had to spare, browsing mundane products to pass the time. I went from a household supply shop to a tech shop out of sheer boredom, getting gradually more fed up as the day went on. Part of me wondered if people thought I was a thief, I had been lingering in their shops for a while and I was a young white male, although I’m pretty sure most of the attention was in my imagination.

After the hour of half-hearted shopping I followed the path down to the industrial bit near the trampoline bit, nosing my head in and immediately leaving. The words “murder basement” sprang to mind, it was dark, cold and empty with an older man who I don’t think saw me. I was expecting something full of young attractive people doing things from awesome films to pop music. Old music was playing in the background and I slinked away, changing my mind. My thoughts ping ponged between “murder basement” and “but you’ve waited so long and you’ve been drenched.” In the end I slinked into the trampoline place, performing the kind of toilet based clothing change you’d expect in a double life superhero/Hannah Montana situation.

I braved the murder basement again and the older man explained that they were on a first aid course. The happy hour time made sense. There was another hour of waiting, this time with Wifi and my headphones in against a marble table. It’s as annoying as it is ironic that when I’ve got literally nothing else to do for an hour youtube is a desert, but when work you settle down to do something productive it’s a minefield of distraction. Finally when the guys in charge stumble in they set up in a heartbeat, with a blond dreadlocked guy blipping my card using their website and his colleague emerging. The lights flickering on and fading the murder basement vibe immediately. There were weird wooden towers, random metal poles to balance on and a foam pit that was only accessible via a jump. The guy – Craig – introduced himself and I explained my complete lack of ability to him. He was a mixed race black guy, mid-thirties and kind of cool in a very friendly way, reminded me of a family friend who used to work for the climbing company next door to them. I also met a younger lad later that night who was obnoxiously good at all the tricks and had what could only be described as “Quintin from the magicians” hair, at least ear length with a bob.

Craig showed me some warm ups and after a little running and stretching we worked on balance, that I was terrible at. I could walk across them a little but trying to balance on tip-toes as instructed was as hilarious as my attempts were tragic. Next were jumps, hopping from one thing to another, which I didn’t totally suck at. After a few hops from three separate balance pads made of converted tyres he lead me up one of the wooden steps and asked me to leap from one side to the other. I hesitated, part calculation, part fear of whacking my chin on the bit where my feet should be. The gap was apparently the same distance, but the height had changed. I made it, jumping how I was advised as opposed to how I would naturally jump. The wave of relief him me when I made it across, he congratulated me and moved me to the vault area with a smile.

He pulled out the vault box and showed me a few different vaults, this was the part where I met the lad. He was 14 yet acted much older, and he had more muscles in his upper body than an army of my clones would put together. A few slightly iffy yet not too tragic vaults later he left me to have a wander. I then latched onto the lad and hovered around him for a bit, where he showed me the tomb raider pole launch thing among a few other bits, with me failing 80% of the time and him reinforcing how to do basics with the phrase “you need to commit!” Most of my time was spend asking him to dumb down what seemed to him like very simple concepts, and at one point he suggested I “Imagine its Indiana Jones” as if that made it magically simpler.

It was surprisingly good fun, I’d go again. However I wouldn’t do it as a regular hobby, especially not beyond the happy hour price. My main advice to the company beyond the wait would be that slow old timey slightly romantic music is not suitable for a parkour session. . I also now know where my abdominal muscles are because they still feel a little achy the day after, on the other hand I did end up hurdling a bike-slower-pipe-thingy on route home because of my time there.

My weekend part 2: everything else

My saturday evening was spend at an 18th birthday party. It was relatively chill with my friends eating pizza, exchanging memes and drinking.

I was surprised by the tameness of the event, but it was a welcome change of tone from a hurricane of a week. I didn't drink much that night because work.

three things stood out that night:

1) one of my friends saying "Allah Akbar" when a chunk of the cake was dismantled. The cake consisting of what was essencially half an easter egg filled with sweets and dumped on top. He said it in front of the birthday boy's (very vanilla) parents as the egg was being struck by the tiny metal hammer.

2) I vaped. There was no nicotine in the vape pen, but I thought why not. The pen looked a little like a sonic screwdriver, which made me envy its original owner a little, but the experience was like enhailing squash, not particularly fun to be honest, but very dramatic looking as a flow of vapour followed.

3) I walked home a midnight, the rain pattering on the umbrella in a calming way as the floor reflected all the streetlights. I decided to put on a spooky podcast in order to make the most of the atmosphere.

It's remarkable how different I felt when I put on "Lore" (an eerie history podcast voiced by a man with a remarkably unnerving voice.) I changed my mind after the intro. It didn't seem like a wise idea as i walked to an empty house in the rain at night, especially as with every step i began to check behind me. So despite the ambiance i swapped to "Lorde" album. It was the line "the home has been a safe haven for centuries ..." that was the tipping point.

The next day i got dressed, and googled the train times. I had two options, slightly too early or slightly too late. I went with too early giving me 17 minutes to dash to the station. When I got there i found a smart replacement bus which gave me a free ride in exchange for 2 minutes extra of my time going the long route.

So while i was early in town I visited WH-Smiths. It was then that i saw a man that looked like Charlieissocoollike, a youtube icon who was anchored into my mind as the single representative of my childhood. "It can't be. He lives in London" I thought before I locked eyes on the booth. My heart raced and I suddenly realised why the girls at the concert felt the need to scream at Brendon Urie.

He was so normal looking and I could have literally turned around and said hi if my brain worked a fraction quicker. But alas I had missed my shot. It merely fuelled my determination. I made it my mission to meet him in person and get a shameless selfie despite my ugly work clothes and my half-arsed hair.

I found it strange that I was so obsessed. I'd met Evan Edinger that summer and it was such a normal experience, Charlie was equally as down to earth as Evan was ... so why was my heart attacking my chest? I guess that's down to sentiment for the youtube veteran that began my obsession.

Tragically I was too broke to buy the book in the slither of time I was given because #studentlife, and when I returned he wasn't there anymore. I was crushed, how dare the universe dangle Charlie Mcdonell in my face and snatch him away without a second thought. I stormed through town, scanning strangers with the hope that he stayed around a little longer.

It was fruitless and when I returned to work it took all my self control not to take it out on the customers. He would have been the reward for surviving through the week, a stressed week of homework essays and personal statements that was begining to crush my soul.

I feel like my weekend could have been perfect if I'd had the foresight, which adds so much salt to the wound. Its a weird kind of FOMO, what if I'd known? It's too late to fix it so I guess next time I'll make it work.

Until then lets hope next week is a little calmer

My weekend part 1: my first concert

My week ended on a friday, my stresses of lost wallets, personal statements and homework still present faintly in the back of my mind as i queued for a band called "panic! at the disco." I'd dropped my rucksack at work to be collected the next day and began talking to the people  to me, thinking "why not? I'm stuck here for three hours until the doors open anyway." My friend was reluctant at first but eventually aclimatised to the situation and began to converse a while after.

From the cluster of concert goers i met two stood out. Pudsy ears guy (a bloke my brothers age in Pudsy ears who was only slightly cooler than me) and a girl only slightly younger than me from Wolverhampton who had missed school to drive down. They were fun to talk to and made the fact that i was frostbitten and being rained on with my umbrella left at work bearable. We discussed everything from my lack of accent to a misunderstanding of the bible involving the spirit of Christ ejaculating over the virgin Mary (don't ask.)

We entered the building in clusters and i slipped away to buy merch before the queue developed. If i had the foresight i would have drank at this bit, biggest regret of the evening. after barging through the wall of people and returning to my spot i had even more waiting. I people-watched. Chatting casually to a cute scouse couple and playing "spot the dad" until a band finally arrived.

The first band came on, a mix of guys and girls with a female drummer. They were Australian and would have been charming if anyone knew their songs. It was then i noticed the earbuds in the ears of one of strangers i had met that night. It was so loud and bright that it would have been perfect with earbuds in. I remembered what the vlogbrothers advised about concerts in their video and regretted my decision to ignore their Advice. It was so loud and bright that i could barely make out the lyrics.

After them Brendon stepped onstage next to what could only be described as his guitarist lookalike. He preformed well, putting all the energy you'd expect. But all i could think was "I'm too sober for this." Those words orbiting my head on what would have been a great night. His rendition of "girls girls boys" stood out particularly with great showmanship.

My only comment was when he did a high note, exaggerating it as a cue for hype that made him sound like lorne from the buffy spinoff angel, the audience would shriek back in a fangirl siren scream. It was amusing at first but painful and slightly gimmicky by the sixth squeal. My main thought through most of the evening was weighing up the possibility of me getting my place back if i broke away from my little divet in the sea of teenagers.

On the flipside the concert veterans looked after me in the queue and even wondered where i was when i sneaked off to by merch.

I left, temporarily hard of hearing and so sleepy that i didn't function well, before collapsing into bed.